It feels like I’m tumbling across so many things that I barely have time to process even the beginning of what I’ve seen.
My life indeed has indeed been flipped upside down. I knew that going on the race would come with something like this, but I guess you never really know what can happen until you are there. Expectations completely go out the window. The capacity in my mind to try to compile everything I’ve gone through in the past months and places has gotten hard. I think that’s why I’ve procrastinated writing this blog for a long time. But Lord willing, He gives me the space to sit and think. So this is probably going to be a lot of my thoughts just spit out.
I’m currently in my second country, Malaysia. But I do want to wrap up the incredible amount of things I learned in Swazi and experiences I had. Swazi continued with days full of laughter and joy, playing with the kids, praying over the community, serving meals, sharing the Gospel, etc. But it also ended with some very unexpected pain and heartache.
The darkness of Swazi became incredibly real to me. My heart continues to burn for that place. For the sake of privacy, I am not going to go into much detail, but toward the end, something pretty horrific happened in the circle of people we were with. I’m still trying to process it all, and leaving left me with a little bit of an open wound. All I want to do is take some of these kids’ places, give them my life so they wouldn’t have to suffer so much. At times, I felt a little hopeless, wondering where the Lord was in all of it and why I have the life I have. I wish I would suffer so they wouldn’t have to. There is so much brokenness, more than I thought I knew. It wasn’t until grief came so close to me that I really, really broke. I will forever keep Swazi so close to heart, continuing to pray and intercede for these people for the rest of my life.
It’s comforting to know we have the same Jesus. I told my girls how when they talk to Him to know that I also talk to the same man. We will always be connected in that way, and I can’t wait to see them in heaven one day. I will see them.
I read the story of the prodigal son to one of the girls, Emma. I simply told her, “He is waiting for you!” It brings me to tears. He’s always been waiting. No darkness can overcome His presence. No matter how much suffering tries to blind us from His face, He stays. He sits. The Hebrew word for seek means to desire. If only we knew how much the Lord desired us, we couldn’t help but turn to Him! We couldn’t help but be captivated by everything about Him. I’ve been praying specifically for Emma, Anna, and Sihle that they would be captivated — taken away, into Him as their refuge. He is oh so safe.
I don’t know where the Lord will take them in their lives, but I have seen His faithfulness. In my own life, when I tried so hard to run away, He still stayed so faithful to me. He’s invested in me all my life; I know He invests in these kids. Because that’s exactly what faithfulness is. And it all comes from a place of simply desiring His bride. Would You make us so pure and ready, Lord, as Your perfect bride. Would we just let You pursue us, would we just understand how much You want us!
He never needed us. He created us to commune with Him because He wanted us. He wanted us to delight and enjoy Him in all of His glory. I think that is pretty humbling. My only proper response now is worship. The reason I was created was because our God wished to have someone to walk with. HE calls us worthy. HE calls us beautiful. Why are we so prideful to name ourselves? HE names us! You are fully washed. You are fully clean. You are a daughter or son of God. There’s nothing you could do; this isn’t about fixing. It’s about dying. Because in death there is life — true life, abundant life. I can’t fix anything. I can’t just “get right” with God. I saw this a lot in Swazi. How many times do we think just being a better Christian is going to make us right with God? That has never been what it’s about! That body is dead. By thinking that I can make myself clean, or do something to fix myself—my habits, thought patterns, or actions—is the moment I start to say that the blood wasn’t enough. So I will die and let Him live in me. My only reward is to know the heart of the Father, to indulge in His glory. This is the Lord’s will for his children.
I ask that you would join me in prayer for Swaziland. There is so much that we don’t see at home. But the Lord does reveal, and through me, I hope that you can see how much that place is in need of your prayer. People are suffering. The Lord’s heart is breaking for His people. He is weeping with them, and there I will weep too. But there is powerful redemption, and our Kingdom is not on this earth. Please pray that the people of Swazi will live in this reality.
I will be writing a blog soon about my time so far in Malaysia. Ministry has been so amazing. We are working in a Muslim refugee school, teaching mostly English and math. We get to work one-on-one with the same student for the entirety of our stay here. We are also partnering with a church here, which has definitely been a highlight. I absolutely adore the people here. It has been so sweet. There are a lot of questions, though, and at times I can feel a little unsettled. But wow, has the Lord been teaching me a lot here already. I can’t wait to go more in depth in my next blog.
Thank you all for reading. I’m sorry that I’ve been so bad at posting. I’ve just never had to process so much at once, so I’m learning a lot through that. I love you all!
I also wanted to share some scripture I’ve been meditating on recently:
Isaiah 25:8-9
He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
“Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
2 Corinthians 3:18
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
— Liv
Fundraising Update:
I’m still 66% raised and would love to ask you to pray about partnering with me financially to raise the remaining $6,600 I have left. Even if it is only $5–$10, it has such a huge impact. I have raised most of my funds through people’s smaller donations. I’ve seen the incredible need for the Gospel throughout the nations. None of this would be possible without you. Thank you!!
Fundraising Page:
Venmo: @liviawambach
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