Wow. And just like that, I’m on a plane ride leaving our last country.

Originally when I signed up for the race, our last country was supposed to be Nicaragua. However, about halfway through we got notice that it had changed due to some financial and entry issues. We ended up going to Honduras, really not knowing at all what to expect. Only a few teams from all of World Race history have gone to this country. We came in knowing we would be staying in tents and that’s it.

By the end of Guatemala, I definitely started feeling a little homesick and honestly, tired. This lifestyle really wears you out mentally, emotionally, and physically. I started to feel a lot more uncomfortable and restless living in community for so long, never really being able to be alone, getting up every day trying to have a heart filled and ready to pour out since ministry on the race is basically a full-time job. I didn’t want to be passive. I didn’t want to just do the thing and say that I accomplished something when my heart wasn’t fully in a position to pour into ministry. I’ve truly learned that ministry begins with your heart. A heart postured unto the Lord, for He is our first ministry. Without that, everything becomes meaningless.

It’s really a battle of flesh vs. spirit. My flesh is tired and wants to return to what’s comfortable and my spirit wants to find its home in the Father. I’ve had to ask this question to myself a lot: what am I really seeking? Through a lot of testing I have realized where the problem really lies.

If I claim that Jesus is my absolute home—that no matter where I am, who I’m with, or how I feel, I am at rest in the dwelling I’ve made with my lover—then in whatever situation I’m faced with, I should be content. I should be satisfied. Because he is everything. It’s not based on whether I believe that or not. By definition, Jesus is everything. It’s his unchangeable character of being the only one that completely satisfies. When I long for home or “normal life back”, I have to ask myself the question of what in those things am I not finding in Jesus right now. It’s a prayer of an opening of my eyes. I’m dealing with a perfect, holy, and true God. He witholds no good thing from his children. It is my own blindness that doesn’t allow me to see to the full extent of who Jesus is.

Coming to Honduras, I was already feeling all these things and was in the mindset of just trying to get through these last months. And if I’m being completely honest, this was probably the hardest country on the race. We were up in the mountains, and each day we were either doing manual labor all day at base or walking for sometimes hours up and down these mountains doing house visits. My flesh was being tested so much because it was really physically tiring. And at this point in the race, I feel like everything becomes harder. So for the first couple of weeks, it felt like such a prevalent battle.

In the back of my mind, I was continually reminded of the question I asked myself before. Through my exhaustion, mentally and physically, Jesus promises rest. “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Him whispering, “come to me”, is the very invitation into his rest. Hebrews 4. It’s him knocking. Let us strive to enter that rest.

So time with Jesus for me often looked like trying to just go away with him. Sitting with him. In silence, in my thoughts, in my restlessness. Asking and seeking for a deeper dwelling to be made in him through the Holy Spirit. I needed to abide in him throughout my days. I needed to hold fast to the source when I was struggling so that I wouldn’t check out and become passive. Psalm 91:1 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” The abiding life only comes from a home made in the secret place.

From all of this, I started to notice a change in the way I was viewing the rest of the race. So often, I think we make ourselves miserable. We give so much power over to the flesh. But in my surrender, it didn’t necessarily become easier, but the Gospel became so much more powerful. It was a daily coming to him, pleading that my flesh would die with him and that His Spirit in me would drive everything I was doing. The way I think, the way I act, the way I speak. I want all of me to look like Jesus. I wanted compassion for the people living in these communities, so desperate and broken. I began to intercede for these families; intercession being something that I honestly struggled with for a long time. But the Gospel is worth so much more than what I’m feeling. And it doesn’t matter how tired I am, Jesus is still the name. He is still the one worthy of every knee bowed down to Him.

I was only in Honduras for about a month, relatively short. But my prayer life revived so much, and this is what I mean when I say that Jesus must be our first ministry. Our eyes absolutely fixed on Him, and a yielding to the Spirit that is constantly interceding on all of our behalfs. It is all birthed by a yielding to the Spirit. This is how I will continue to minister to the people of Honduras even while being gone now. I have done the work without yielding before. And with that it just becomes work, and in the eyes of the coming kingdom all of that will pass away. Jesus says that all of heaven and earth will pass away but His words will never pass away (Luke 21:33). The opportunity alone to go to different homes, no matter how far, became so much more special. Because getting to just pray over a family is a coming alongside multitudes in heaven pleading before the Father for the salvation of each person on this earth. What a privilege it is to join Heaven. This is treasure. Treasure made in Heaven.

Some scriptures I loved to share at house visits were 1 Peter 1:3-9 and Hebrews 10:19-25. What was even more special was that we got to start bringing Bibles to our house visits. Everyone in the mountains would consider themselves believers or Catholic, but usually there isn’t a real relationship with Jesus and most people have never owned or read the Bible. So being able to give them the very Word of God was something I will be forever grateful I got to be a part of. The one eternal thing in the entire universe. Please pray that this Word would sink deeply into each person’s heart and that the Holy Spirit would continue to water and refresh their souls with new eyes for Him.

So we present ourselves before God to present the Gospel before people. I can’t believe that my time overseas is over for now, but my mission field is only getting wider as I come back home. I love this life. This beautiful life with Jesus. Being stretched and being brought nearer by His blood and His grace that washes over all my faults. I get to know His heart, I get to fall in love with Him. I love the truth that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.